Why McFlys are Unhappy

Say hi to Marty.

Marty is a time traveler, who came of age in the mid 1980's. 

I have a term for time travelers like Marty - I call them Temporally Displaced Paradoxical Self-Crossing Ripple-Effect Protagonists, or McFlys.  A McFly is a unique brand of time traveler, one who thinks they are the main character of a very special story.

So Marty's enjoying his time traveler life, and he's very pleased to be Marty. Only issue is this one thing:

Marty's kind of unhappy.

To get to the bottom of why, we need to define what makes someone happy or unhappy in the first place. It comes down to a simple formula:

It's pretty straightforward: when the existence someone's timeline is threatened by an unraveling of the entire space-time continuum due to an accidental backwards time jump, which precipitates that person's own mother falling in love with him, thereby causing him to replace his own father as the target of his mother's affections, and providing that he successfully arranges for his future-father to win the affections of his mother away from himself, and in doing so provides vital information to his friend which saves the friend from a brutal murder, and even considering that said friend would transport him to the future to impersonate his future son in order to prevent the son from committing a criminal act, but in doing so is tempted to bring valuable information about sporting events back to his past, which inspires his arch-nemesis to commit that exact timeline-altering act, which causes a drastic change to the timeline resulting in a nightmare version of his own present, thereby necessitating his return to the exact point in the past when he first started causing disruptions to his timeline, requiring him to not only prevent the nemesis from obtaining the future-sporting-events information but also to NOT interfere with his original interference with the past, and by which his and his friends' presence in said past exposes his friend to a freak accident which sends the friend even further into the past, causing said friend to die prematurely by the ancestor of his arch-nemesis, which necessitates him going back to the past to rescue his friend, defeat the ancestor of his arch-nemesis, return to his present, and destroy the time machine, then they're unhappy.

To provide some context, let's start by bringing Marty's parents and their generation into the discussion.

Marty's parents grew up in the 50's. They went to sock hops, drank milkshakes at the local soda fountain, and definitely did not listen to heavy metal music, because it was just too darn loud (and hadn't been invented yet). They grew up in a culture that valued the traditional elements of society - hard work, perseverance, and leaving well enough alone with the space-time continuum. Their happiness is entirely predictable, and entirely justified.

Marty's parents and ancestors grew up happy, because they had a realistic expectation of what life was all about - you work hard, you pay your dues, and you do NOT create alternate timelines by causing your parents to fall in love with you.

Now, let's look at Marty. Did Marty heed the lessons of generations before him? No, because he is a McFly, and McFlys spread manure all over everything. Have another look at that graph up there, and then consider how happy Marty can possibly be.

Is it Marty's fault that he's a McFly? Let's cut this slacker some slack. It's no wonder Marty is in the predicament he's in, considering the challenges he's had to face.

McFlys are Delusional After Blackouts

Marty's always had problems thinking fourth-dimensionally, and it probably doesn't help that he had three blunt-force traumas to the head in less than a week. 

McFlys are Taunted, Usually by Being Called Chicken

Let's just look at the peer pressure Marty must be feeling from his fellow, more successful time travelers. 

As if all these challenges, setbacks, social pressures, and potential paradoxes weren't enough, Marty also has to deal with the following relentlessly positive messaging from his parents - a message designed to make him feel special, superior, and entitled.

If McFlys Put Their Minds To It, They Can Accomplish Anything

Marty has been told this throughout his entire life; once, he even told his own dad. But is this true? Instead of answering that question with a thoughtful analysis, I'm just going to draw a bitchin' picture of a DeLorean.

Which brings us to the final argument.

No McFly Ever Amounted to Anything in the History of Hill Valley

But, as we all know, history is gonna change!
- Jad Bean

This article is a parody of "Why Generation Y Yuppies Are Unhappy" from the website www.waitbutwhy.com. If you are the author of that article, Hello! I liked what you had to say, and I hope you enjoyed my little spoof. If you aren't the original author, then make like a tree, and get outta here (and share this page)!